


I know forever don't exist, but after this life I'll find you in the next

by Bluebox_Parchment



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Episode: s14e13 Coda, Episode: s14e13 Lebanon, I needed an outlet, M/M, Sort of????, and for once my brain complied, and it hurts me, and they STILL HAVE NEVER SPOKEN ABOUT GOODBYE STRANGER, cas touching dean tenderly makes me soft, generous amounts of wump, if you read my other fics you'll know my feelings on that already, look i feel an incredible amount of pain and emotion after that episode, these two dorks just really love one another a lot, things were said
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 23:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17734316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebox_Parchment/pseuds/Bluebox_Parchment
Summary: Dean and Cas talk about the events of 300. Short Coda Fic. These two dorks love one another very much but struggle with their words more often than not. (Also please take a moment to think about Jack calling John Winchester Grandpa.)





	I know forever don't exist, but after this life I'll find you in the next

'It must've been hard for you,' Cas says as he hands Dean a beer. The bunker is silent around them.

'It was... an experience.' And hell, it really was. There was still a strange hollow feeling in his gut and a tingling at the base of his neck that hadn't shifted in the hours since he watched his father fade away. He recognises the feeling as one that usually came from an overdose of emotion. 'Never thought I'd see him again after Yellow Eyes -' he trails off, picking at the corner of the label on his beer. He doesn't know why he's volunteering the information. He doesn't really want to talk about his dad, the day's events, the words he never got to say, the things he finally let go of...

But mercifully, Cas takes a seat opposite him at the war room table and doesn't say a word. Dean doesn't know if it's because Cas still reads his mind sometimes - intentionally or not - or it's because Cas knows him too damn well. Either way, Dean is grateful.

But the problem with companionable silence is that it allows the mind to wander after a while, and Dean's brain becomes a mess of his father's teary eyes, his mother's shallow sobs, the empty look on Cas' face in that diner where he looked at him, his head tilted but not really seeing him. There'd only ever been one other time in his life when Cas had looked at him like that and it had felt like as much of a punch in the chest as it had back then.

Before he can spiral much further Cas says, 'Do you think Sam will come back tonight?'

Dean shakes his head, glad for the distraction. 'I don't think so. I reckon he'll stay with mom at the cabin. At least for tonight.'

'I'm surprised you didn't go with them.'

Dean shrugs. 'I know I could've done but...' he trails off, not really sure why he'd insisted on staying, on allowing Sam and mom to have some time together.

Cas drains the last of his beer and moves to stand but before he can push out of his seat to walk away, leave, leave Dean alone with his thoughts like he assumes Dean would want, Dean's saying, 'I wish you could've met him.' A beat. 'My dad I mean. We told him about you. And Jack. God, I wish Jack could've met him too.'

Cas' gaze softens. 'Jack would've liked that, I'm sure.'

'Reckon he would've called him Grandpa?' Dean asks with a quirk of his lips.

Cas chuckles, a low rumble that drops warmth into Dean's gut. 'Maybe. How do you think your father would've taken it? Lucifer's child as a Grandson?'

Dean considers it for a moment, finally loosing the label from the beer. 'He's not really though. Sure Lucifer might've been involved in making him, but Jack's ours. And I think dad would've got that.'

'Ours,' Cas echoes, a wry grin on his face.

'Hey, he might've claimed your as his dad first but that don't stop me and Sammy having a say in his upbringing. Kid's family now. End of discussion.'

Cas laughs properly at that, throwing his head back and Dean's stomach flips. It's a beautiful sight and it sobers Dean to the core. 'I'd forgotten,' Dean says in barely a whisper, his voice betraying the gravity of what he's about to say. Before Cas can answer, a furrow in his brow, and a question on his lips, Dean continues, 'I'd forgotten the person - angel - you used to be.'

'I still am an angel, Dean.'

'Oh I know. But you're not that angel.'

'I suppose you're right.'

Dean wishes there was more beer in his bottle. 'Do you... do you ever regret it? Falling? Turning your back on your family?'

He expects Cas to contemplate the question, take a few minutes to mull it over. What he doesn't expect is the instant, forceful, 'Not in the slightest.' Dean's stomach flips again. 'I didn't turn my back on my family, Dean. I fell for it.'

Dean can feel a flush creep up his neck, hears his breath catch in his throat. Less than twenty minutes ago they'd been talking about co-parenting a nephilim yet hearing Cas' words, accepting he was a part of their family, floored Dean more than could ever explain. And because Dean's an asshole, and he's chicken shit, and because he can't deal with the gravitas of emotion the way a normal person does, he forces out a strained laugh and says, 'I always forget how much of a big softie you are.'

A flicker of hurt passes behind Cas' eyes so quickly, Dean wonders if he'd imagined it. 'Would you like another?' Cas asks, shaking the bottle in his hand.

He nods, no longer trusting his voice to respond like a functional human. Cas is barely round the corner before Dean huffs out a bitter, 'Well done, Winchester.' He scrubs a hand down his face, his eyes still focused on the spot where he watched the trench coat disappear out of sight, his mind awash with memories.

_'I'm the one that gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.' The way Ruby's blade had disappeared so easily into flesh, the expectation of lightning under skin and the bewilderment when nothing happened. 'Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?' 'I hunted and I rebelled and I did it, all of it, for you.'_

_He runs a hand over his face, no longer bruised from his earlier beating, but still remembering the throbbing pain. Over the years the feel of Cas' fists had grown an all too common feeling. Stars blinding his vision, his body aching, his bones broken, his blood spattered like constellations across the dusty tomb floor as Cas held his angel blade aloft, the dim light glinting off it, a vacant look behind the eyes. 'I need you.' The pain as his body hit a wall, the brick scraping his skin - 'I gave everything for you, and this is what you give to me?' - and finally understanding what Cas had meant when he'd told him he was a warrior._

As if summoned from the volume of his own memories, Cas takes that moment to re-enter the war room and hold a sweating bottle of beer out to Dean.

'I'm sorry.'

Cas frowns at him, pulling up a chair beside Dean. 'Whatever for?'

'Saying "yes".' Dean doesn't know why he feels the need to say it now, but he knows it's now or never. 'Before - apocalypse before - you and Sam and Bobby, you all did so much to stop me. I was on board, I was ready. You guys, you stopped me from doing something...' and even though he knows he wants to say it, he doesn't quite know how to order it into a coherent stream. 'I'm just - I'm sorry. You gave up so much for us, especially then. And then I went and said it anyway.'

Cas leans over automatically, resting his hand on Dean's shoulder, across where the handprint had once marred his flesh. 'It wasn't your fault.'

The flipping sensation is back in Dean's stomach, and he swallows it down thickly, his mind a mess of violent memory and soft desire to kiss, to claim, to love. but Michael gives a violent thump on the door in his brain and Dean swears he can hear the bastard's laughter.

'Maybe you would've been better off just leaving me in Hell.'

Cas' hand twitches, and Dean's certain he just watched his heart break. 'Oh Dean,' Cas says softly. 'Please, never think that. Even without knowing what I know now, I know rescuing you was the right thing to do. You didn't deserve that place even though I know you think you did. You didn't deserve what Alastair did to you, you didn't deserve for Heaven - Uriel, Zachariah, _me_ \- to push you back into your traumas afterwards. You didn't deserve to see your brother taken by Lucifer and you certainly didn't deserve to be twisted and broken and turned into a demon. Meeting you, knowing you, and Sam, Bobby, Charlie, Kevin, your mother, has changed me. For the better, I like to think.'

'You questioned though,' Dean says. 'You told me on that park bench after Samhain. You had doubts even then.' He hates how accusatory he sounds.

'Naomi -' and Dean flinches at that name '- she once told me I was cracked, broken. Always had been.'

Dean remembers another irate angel screaming the words, ' _When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell he was lost._ '

'I was constantly getting pulled back into reprogramming apparently.' Cas gazes off into the bunker, and Dean's sure he can almost see the cogs whirring in Cas' mind. 'But since I pulled you from Hell, it's not stuck in any sort of meaningful way. Heaven reminded me before Jimmy died, but even then I couldn't bare to see harm to come to you.'

Dean doesn't know what makes him say it, but before he can stop himself, he's saying, 'Came pretty close in that crypt.'

It's Cas' turn to flinch, and he pulls away from Dean as though burned.

He regrets it instantly. 'Shit, Cas, I'm sorry. I know we don't - we've never said - shit. For a while I didn't even know if you remembered - I just always assumed she'd done something pretty bad cause you never spoke about it.'

A darkness passes across Cas' face and he hefts a sigh even though he doesn't need to breathe. 'We should've.'

'Honestly, Cas, it's fine -'

'It's not. That was one of my most shameful moments in my whole existence.'

'Cas, you've said it to me enough the last few weeks, but c'mon man, that wasn't you. That wasn't your fault.'

'I lied,' Cas says, not to Dean, but to the floor. His shoulders are so rounded and he looks like he's collapsing in on himself. Dean's stomach drops out because for a split second he thinks Cas means he lied about being brainwashed. But Cas assuages those fears and continues on. 'I knew what broke her control on me. I knew it was you. She asked me to choose, between Heaven and you. But I couldn't tell you that, not then, not after these hands had hurt you so profoundly.'

The flush creeps back across Dean's skin. He knew too. He always knew. _I need you._ 'Cas -'

'She had me kill you - copies of you. Over and over and over again.' And where seconds before Dean had been flushed with warmth, now he felt as though he had been doused in ice. 'That was her programming. She had to force me to start with. He hands would guide my blade into her imitations. It became easier as it went on because they weren't you, not really. I could tell the difference. They were good copies but -' he pauses for a split second, swallows, continues '- I pieced your body back together, once. I -' and it's Cas' time to flush '- I would know your soul anywhere. Her imitations of you could never quite capture that brilliance.'

'Jeez Cas, buy a guy dinner first.' The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. Age old reflexes to deflect his feelings. 'Shit,' he drops his face into his hands to hide the redness spreading across his cheeks. 'Shit, I'm sorry. You, you know me. I can't - I never know how to deal with -' he waves a hand between them, his voice failing him.

'I know,' Cas says gently.

'"Dean and I do share a more profound bond",' Dean says, his eyes flicking up to catch Cas' gaze almost sheepishly.

Cas' lips quirk. 'It was true then. It's true now.'

It would be easy, Dean knows. Easy to bridge the gap between them, to press their lips together, to finally allow himself to have this. Have _Cas_. Because he knows. Oh god, he knows. He doesn't need to be an angel to know just how deeply Cas loves him. Doesn't need to think of all the times a demon or a monster or an angel has made a comment about the two of them. He's known for so long it's like background noise, a continuous thrum, a constant certainty, safe as the rumble of Baby's engine. He doesn't exactly remember when he realised, it almost feels like it was always there. Just something they were both aware of but never spoke of.

Michael rattles against the door. He closes his eyes and leans forwards. And Cas... Cas meets him part way. They don't kiss, they daren't. but their foreheads touch and for just a second, Dean can breathe. He tilts his head slightly, brushes his nose against Cas' and is awash with so much grief.

'This is why I couldn't say goodbye. You know that right?' His voice is barely a whisper.

'It might come as a surprise to you, Dean Winchester, but after all these years, I think I know you pretty well.' Cas' breath tickles his cheeks and sends a delightful tingle up his spine. He can't fight the smile that twitches the corners of his mouth.

'I would -' he swallows thickly, reaches his hands out and tangles his fingers between Cas'. It would be so _easy_ to kiss him. 'I want - God I want to.'

'So do I.' Cas offers the words so freely it causes Dean's heart to stutter.

'I can't.' Dean feels physical pain, worse than Hell Hounds clawing at his chest. It's the closest he's allowed himself to this, to Cas, and unless some sort of miracle happens, it's probably the closest he's ever gonna get. 'Not while he's up here. Especially not while he's up here.'

'You don't have to explain Dean.' He extracts his fingers from Dean's and reaches up to cradle his face like Dean is something precious. Cas' thumb brushes across Dean's ear lobe, and he feels so incredibly loved he could cry.

'It's been a hell of a day.' With how frantically his heart is beating, he's sure it's going to make a bid for freedom right out of his chest.

'It's been a hell of a decade,' Cas counters, and again Dean feels like he can breathe again.

They remain that way for a long time, Cas gently mapping out the curves of Dean's face with his fingertips, breathing each other in. It's the most intimate Dean has allowed himself to be with another person and what floors him the most is that it doesn't frighten him.

Cas is the one that breaks the silence. 'You should sleep,' he says gently, finally inching back from Dean.

'St -' Dean's voice has almost deserted him. 'Stay?' he hates how small he sounds.

Cas pushes to his feet and extends his hand to Dean. 'For as long as you need,' Cas tells him. 'For as long as you want.'


End file.
